Where does the desire for childbearing come from? Are we equipped with an instinct towards becoming parents? What is the difference between ‘’ I want a child’’ and ‘’ I need a child’’ ?
The early discussions about these concepts started in the beginning of the 20th century with the discovery of the various types of birth control. Women and men had now the ability to delay a pregnancy and set their desires and needs on a different basis. In this field we began talking about the desire as a notion that is inextricably linked to the ability of reproduction control. (Παπαληγούρα, Παπαδάτου, Μπελλάλη, 2013). The latter resulted in serious implications due to permutation of the pregnancy in less fertile periods with both individual and social consequences. One of them was the difficulty in conceiving even when the desire was present. Even under these circumstances though it is beyond our reasoning why some couples do not conceive while trying and some others while if the pregnancy is not provoked. (de Parseval & Janaud, 1983). Consequently we seem to share an illusion of control over the reproductive process which is so complicated that we often fail to answer why it happens and why it does not. In each case we need to examine the formation of the desire of having a child. I call it desire and not need as is periodically referred.
The desire comes from a multi-leveled process and it differs significantly from the need to have a child. When the latter is the motive force, it is often accompanied with an unconscious burden which 
is placed on the child who was conceived after multiple tries. These children as found by research were usually very good students, feeling the need to give something back to their parents who struggled to have them. Unconsciously these children were doing the best they could to please their parents. This doesn’t mean off course that all diligent students bear the burden of their birth with feelings of retribution, however this particular finding makes us wondering about what extensions can the obsession for childbearing can have when is pursued ‘’ at all costs’’. In another article I will refer to how these very subtle dynamics are transferred from parents to children. At the same time, social pressures as well as cultural influences add extra weight to the process. But why is it important to talk about the desire? Isn’t it too obvious? Every person attributes meanings in a different way and is driven by unique dynamics. Furthermore, the clarification of this concept can distinguish the individual and socially driven motive and possibly offer some relief. For instance, as referred in the psychodynamic theory the desire includes the fantasies of the mother, father and grandfathers of the child (Chatel, 1993) so it is quite beneficial for anyone to attribute his or her personal meaning to these concerts.
In order to consider that a behavior occurs instinctively, it must naturally appear in every member of a species, emerge under the same conditions and in the same way every time. In humans behaviors such as childbearing do not arise instinctively like animals. In some societies like Roma women tend to become mothers at an early age, while in capitalistic western cultures women first seek to complete their studies or pursuit for a career before becoming mothers in ages that we would say in a Roma 
society would be expected to have grandchildren. Therefore the desire of having a child is in some extent socially driven, differs in every culture and is differentiated from basic human instincts such as survival. The desire develops as a result of the parental relationship that someone has internalized and does not occur in the same way to every person. Some parents have cultivated the parental relationship and may be more protective and care giving while others may be abusive to their children. Therefore it seems more like a skill that can be evolved rather than an inherent capacity that we are all equipped with. However, the desire of having children varies from person to person and includes different characteristics and qualities. We cannot ignore the drive that arises from existential needs such as the desire to have a child as gift to the world for my given life or the desire to continue part of my existence through my child. In any case it is a complex issue concerning each of us at a different extent. The above introduction was made to unravel the complexity of the dynamics in having a child in order to talk about more intricate situations such as the psychological effects of infertility, gamete donation and surrogate motherhood.
The desire arises as a result of personal development therefore varies from person to person and we cannot speculate that we all perceive it the same way or to the same extent nor blame partners and others because they don’t feel it like we do. It highly depends on the level of personal growth, financial, social, cultural and interpersonal factors, milestones and psychological factors in someone’s life.
Nikopoulou Maria
Mental health counselor
Trained in Gestalt psychotherapy
